Wednesday, October 29, 2008

It’s almost over!

The Nut: Ads do stop?! Enjoy the final week of ads with this guide to a fun filled election night. If you still haven’t voted, you must read the list of needed victories. And who doesn’t need a drinking game for election night?

Would you like to buy a monkey?

Are you really ready to watch TV without political advertisements? Get the credit card out of reach and be prepared to see products you may actually want to buy. But before it’s all gone, let’s pay homage to everyone that has provided us the entertainment of the last year of politics.

For the stragglers, you’re not too late, hell, you can even still count yourself as doing it early if you hurry. Voting has been going strong and if you don’t do it by Tuesday, Nov. 4th, enjoy being shunned for the coming two years. If you’ve still got a ballot to be counted, follow this handy guide through the good and the bad from New Mexico to Alaska.

President: Obama. It’s your choice of being on the cool or lame side of history in this race.

New Mexico Senate: Tom Udall. Do you want the up and coming progressive supporter of renewable energy, a set timetable for ending the war in Iraq and at least making an attempt at establishing an affordable health care system or the guy that thinks those ideas are socialist dreams?

New Mexico House 1: Martin Heinrich. For those in the Albuquerque area, the choice is the pretty boy Dem that’s never held a real job in his life. The candidate that didn’t chair Bush-Cheney’ re-election bid in Bernalillo County. He’s also not the candidate that gave up his job because Gov. Johnson wanted to end the war on drugs.

New Mexico House 2: Harry Teague. Who says all Dems are the same? This guy made his money from oil, but still knows how to invest in clean fuel technologies. Everyone in southern New Mexico needs to give Steve Pearce an extra slap on his way down and put his old seat in Democratic hands.

New Mexico House 3: Ben Ray Lujan. The easiest part of the solid blue New Mexico plan.

New Mexico State Senators: Tim Eichenberg. Anyone living in the midtown/near heights area that can vote for Tim Eichenberg, please do and help this progressive Democrat unseat a conservative Republican.

New Mexico 2nd Judicial District, District Attorney: Kari Brandenburg. Torraco is just like Palin: Not trustable with a vote.

New Mexico Constitutional Amendment 5: Yes. Think about it. The candidate for Governor picks the Lieutenant Governor he or she runs with, so who else should pick who the sitting Governor works with?

Other good races around the nation:

Colorado Senate: Mark Udall. Just think of the synergy freshman Senators and cousins Mark and Tom will have. Coloradoans should also think about electing the dood that supports the Department of Peace:

Colorado House 4: Betsy Markey. In the only competitive Colorado House race, Betsy Markey must replace the Heather Wilson of Colorado. For the Sarah Palin lovers out there, this is a cute politician.

Kansas House 2: Nancy Boyda. She only had one term, there’s no point in throwing her out just yet. Give her another few years before you pass judgment.

Kansas Senate: Jim Slattery. If this race is close, expect massively gargantuan accusations across the nation about voter fraud from the defeated right. But Jim’s a good guy so vote for him if you get the chance.

Alaska Senate: Mark Begich. If there’s an Alaska reader out there, please ask yourself “do I want my state represented in the Senate by a convicted felon?” If not, vote Begich!

Minnesota Senate: Al Franken. Just so we get to the do the ‘good enough, smart enough’ joke one more time. Also, because Coleman has gotten in his share of trouble.

Texas Senate: Rick Noriega. If you’ve got a vote in Texas, use it to oust old-timer John Cornyn. We won’t hold it against you if this race doesn’t tip Dem, but if it does, look out for a wild night.

Mississippi Senate Race 1: Ronnie Musgrove. This is step one in Operation Isolate Alabama.

Georgia Senate: Jim Martin. Step two of OIA. Let’s see the Obama turnout machine kick in!

Kentucky Senate: Bruce Lundsford. Step three of OIA. Give the House Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell the boot and let another Republican take the reigns in the Senate.

Oregon Senate: Jeff Merkley. If there was one Republican Senator that could be spared, it might be Gordon Smith of Oregon, but without Merkley, the dreams of cloture are out of reach.

Montana Governor: Brian Schweitzer. Brian earns the Barack Out support just for an excuse to post video of the best campaign commercial of the year.

California Marriage Amendment: No. Attention Californians! Don’t give away all of the perceptions people have of you being a progressive, smart, forward-thinking state with one stupid vote you will soon come to be very ashamed of. See the way future, see a tolerance for gay marriage.

Down Ballot Races: Go to your county clerk’s website and find a sample ballot (to the googler!) Side note: if your county clerk doesn’t provide a sample ballot for you to view, we suggest hiring a new county clerk. Look up the races you will be voting on. Then call up the League of Women Voters and see what they have to say about the different judges, amendments, bond issues and various other questions on the ballot.

There’s plenty of action to watch across the nation on election night. The size and breadth of the Democratic wave that’s about to land will dominate, it’s just a question of how wide the destruction is felt. With that being said, it would be irresponsible to proceed further without predicting the future for everyone too eager to live it.

The official Barack Out With My Cock Out 2008 Election Predictions

Presidential popular vote: 55% Obama, 44% McCain 1% Barr, Nudar and Co.

Electoral Votes: 396-142

Final Senate Count: D-58, R-40, I-2 (and Lieberman will not caucus with the Democrats)

Final House Count: D-258, R-180

Election night surprises: One of the three southern senate races will go the Dems’ way (GA, MS or KY), New Mexico will turn solid blue with Udall taking the Senate race, Heinrich claiming the first district and Teague eliminating the last corner of red by winning the southern congressional district. Watch out for Montana, North Dakota and Georgia propelling Obama up to that 392 total.

Election Night Drinking Game

What’s a political event without booze? It’s voting in Utah, where they still mandate no sauce be poured on a polling day. Everyone else should be ably equipped with a quality drinking game to celebrate election night. Toast all of your hard work . . . celebrate victories . . . mourn the end of Heartless Halliburton Heather “I just love Janet Jackson” Wilson, Ted “It’s all my wife’s fault” Stevens, Tim “I thought the Rep from this district got to sleep around” Mahoney and the careers of so many more . . . place your bets with drinks and get started with these basic ground rules:

Take 1 drink for every house seat that changes hands
Give 5 if you’re from that state
Give 20 if you voted in that election

Take 5 drinks for every senate seat that changes hands
Give 10 drinks if you’re from that state
Give 20 if you voted in that election

Take 1 drink every time you hear a commentator say “too close to call”

Take 2 drinks for every Bush 2004 state that Obama wins.
Take a shot for every Kerry 2004 state McCain wins
Give 5 drinks if you have lived at one time in that state (at least 1 month)
Give 10 drinks if you cast your ballot in that state

Take a shot for every called state that is changed back to a toss up or the opposition

Side betting on all races is highly encouraged

Its been a long fun road. We’ll be back at least one more time to recap how it all played out. Happy electioneering everyone!

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