Friday, December 19, 2008

Fart jokes or Politics?

The Nut: Governors are not as untouchable as they hoped and Blagojevich and Richardson are proof-positive of just this. Coloradoans’ energy rates went up despite voting down the measure that was supposed to cause just this very thing. Minnesota still can’t figure out who won their senate seat. And Jared Polis demonstrates how you truly connect with your constituents.

Hold your fire!

Its December and thus, its time for political punditry to retrain their aim from lambasting those who aspire to exploit the political process to that, that is involved in the game of Politics through tasteless reference only. Yes! In celebration of the secular observance of the holiday of your choice that just happens to occur conspiratorially close a couple important days on the Christian calendar, we’re taking a breather from blasting corrupt governors to instead, mock the comparison we often reserve for those governors. As so succinctly states it, we observers and digestors of all things political enjoy three pastimes: politics, potty jokes and getting rich quick. And when we run the world, we’ll get rich in record time through astronomical sales of a truly terrible potty joke.
. . . someday.

Goober-natorial Maneuvers

So let’s open the toilet bowl and see which politicos come swirling to the rim! First and foremost, Rod Blagojevich (pronounced: “Rod B.”) is enjoying the final few days that he can honestly call himself the Governor of Illinois. His glory days of pay-to-play politics have passed and after failing to strong arm the President-elect, Roddy is recognizing that the price is never right when you over bid in this game.

He is showing signs of coming to his senses as he releases a statement through his lawyer that he will not make any appointment to fill Obama’s Senate vacancy. Detractors will argue he’s only doing this because the U.S. Senate has told him they would reject any appoint he made. But hey, surrendering at the tip of an enormous gun, is still a surrender, right?

Now the state of Illinois has to patiently wait as that same lawyer goes back to his team and devises some form of agreement that trades Blagojevich’s resignation for a lighter penalty for all of his less than gubernatorial behavior. Obviously, he acknowledges he’s at the end of his rope, but he’s not letting go of his last handful until they replace the shark tank with a more cushy landing pad.

And who could blame him? If you had run around high on the smell of your own farts thinking you were king of the world (see: South Park episode on Smugness) and now faced decades behind bars, would you throw your hands up in acceptance of the 30 year term or would you try to reason with your prosecutors for maybe only 5-10 years? The court of public opinion already came to an easy conviction, but this is only the first step in resolving the problem. The real courts will take much longer constructing their cases and it would take far too long to litigate against him to remove him through power this way.

Instead, the state of Illinois will attempt to find a compromise that provides Blagojevich with a lighter sentence in exchange for his acceptance of the fact that this is the end of his road. He’ll step down and get out of the way. He’ll probably spend a little time behind bars, but not as much as his favorite reporter from the Chicago Tribune would have wanted.

The state legislature can impeach him, he can resign, it’s a matter of time. So let’s be reasonable and allow the man that was able to elevate himself to the highest ranking office in the state of Illinois, yet fail to recognize the office’s immeasurable inferiority to that of the President (-elect or not) to peacefully implode upon himself. We can come along with the dust pan and sweep up his mess soon enough.

More goober Governors

Blagojevich is only the best-known of the Governors currently surrounded in scandal. New Mexican Governor Bill Richardson has been nominated to run the Department of Commerce for Obama and with such an opportunity surely comes political scandal. Just in time for his confirmation hearing, announcements of his possible involvement in another pay-to-play scandal emerge.

Richardson is accused of trading state contracts for campaign contributions . . . AKA being a politician. Honestly, what is the point in dumping big bucks into some self-absorbed politicians voter registration machine if your company isn’t going to get this money back in the form of business? Furthermore, if you knew that giving money to a politician that supported your ideals would preclude them from legislating in support of these ideals, would you still give them money?

Joe Monahan nailed the significance of this news in his Tuesday addition of his perspective on New Mexican politics:

“The betting line is that Bill makes it through Senate confirmation hearings relatively unscathed, but the R's now have reason to cause some unpleasantness. . . . It's assumed that the Obama team looked at what the feds are looking at and believed it would not stop Bill from getting in the cabinet.”

That’s how smart, savvy, not-on-their-way-to-jail politicians work. Unlike the when McCain went hunting for a Governor with sex-appeal (oh settle down! that's an non-sexual allusion to Palin's ability to garner more support than McCain, not her rack. Grow up you perverts), Obama did his research, analyzed the skeletons on display in Richardson’s closet (
during viewing hours only, hours posted nowhere, reservation required, viewers will supply own light and repelling equipment to access and view said closet. No cameras, cell phones or lucid memories) and concluded that while he’s no saint, he’s also not the devil some people believe him to be.

Assuming as Monahan did that this probe won’t come to full fruition, Richardson will assume his second cabinet position and up-and-coming New Mexican Democrats will break the elevator as they hurry to the fourth floor of the Roundhouse to get their turn to beg Governor Diane Denish for a chance to become the state’s next Lieutenant Governor. The halls located behind the scenes aren’t wide enough for all of the running around that is going on. Hector “Kojak” Balderas is thought to be a favorite for the position. Other notables include Lawrence Rael and some people have even had the lack of sense to utter the name of political rival Mayor Marty Chavez. These people have quickly forgotten that he currently has an open campaign for Governor in operation – a campaign that is set to go head-to-head with Denish in 2010’s primary season. Last I checked, the two weren’t too keen on being in the same room together. Rael is the candidate of aged experience. Balderas is the up-and-coming young guy at the party. Barack Out With My Cock Out always favors a fresh face over a seasoned veteran: give us Kojak!

Pardon me, Cletus

And while we’re discussing Governor’s, let’s not forget about the greatest lapse in campaign research history and dig back up the great clip of St. Palin, savior of not enough turkeys.

Ok, so one of her asinine press hits isn’t entirely her fault. After seeing bigger news operations function and how they will often send one staffer to an event like this to take footage, conduct interviews and run everything on their own, its no surprise this happened. The cameraman/reporter probably saw the turkey coop and figured it was her best background for the pull-aside interview that would follow the formal ceremony. She probably made this conclusion during or before the formal ceremony when Cletus the Butcher was on his lunch break. Then once the interview was rolling, Cletus finished lunch and got back to work . . . slitting the necks of soon-to-be Thanksgiving feasts in the background of the shot. Since the reporter was likely on her own, she didn’t have many options aside from grinning and bearing it.

. . . and what unknown reporter from Middle of Nowhereville, Alaska passes up such a golden opportunity for national fame and glory? None that have ever earned 3.4 million youtube views and counting.

Amendment 58 = rate increase NO MATTER WHAT

For any Coloradoan that endured the ads of the political season as they tried to enjoy a fair game of Jeopardy!, I am sure you’re plenty familiar with the advertising campaign that was run against Amendment 58 – the severance tax increase on the oil and gas interests that enjoy great profits through the exploitation of Coloradoan resources. The ads repeatedly reminded us that voting to increase taxes on these companies would only increase the rates we, the consumer paid in our monthly bill. Now the election has passed. The amendment failed. Oil, natural gas and coal prices have fallen. And yet, Xcel just sent out a notification that our rates – us the consumers, the same ones that were supposed to experience a tax pass-through if the bill succeeded – have experienced just that. Our rates went up despite the tax break we provided to our energy providers. Coupled with the written notice that quoted an exact dollar figure that we can expect to shell out, Xcel got a few local news reporters to state that Xcel rates would soon be going down for all of us. We will believe it when we see it.

The only thing left to do is ridicule you morons that just took money out of your own empty pocket. You just got duped by mega-millionaires AND you’re already getting stuck with the bill. Colorado has some of the lowest severance tax rates of any mineral-rich mountain west state. Defeating a measure that would have kept the money earned from Colorado’s minerals in the state has made you – you the fool that was carelessly misled by a few poorly written ads – poorer. Don’t bitch about Obama or tax and spend liberals stealing your paycheck, you just took a chunk of change out of your own account.

You just got jacked! Next time you get worked up about a proposed tax increase, remember that day in 2008 when you voted to remove money from your own wealth to give it to an energy corporation that will never share this money with you again.

The final countdown

Oregon finally woke up the hippies in Portland and got their ballots counted and were able to make Jeff Merkley the newest Senator from the Beaver state. Alaska sobered up and realized they were about to reelect a convicted felon and swallowed their Republican pride as they elected Mark Begich to be their first democratic Alaskan Senator since Mike “Drunk Uncle Frank” Gravel left the chamber. Georgia’s Senator that earned his seat by defaming a double-amputee Vietnam veteran won the run off election to ensure the Democrats wouldn’t hold a 60-seat majority.

There’s only one election result still to land. In Minnesota, things have gotten fuzzier and fuzzier as the canvassing board re-counts all of the 2.5 million votes cast to elect their next Senator. Out of 2.5m, the race has come down to anywhere between 1 and 800 votes depending on what source you read on what day. Franken has enjoyed beneficial rulings from the State Supreme Court, but the latest judgment has left both campaigns scratching their head in bewilderment of how to proceed forward. As it currently stands Franken is ahead by an insignificant margin and it will be Coleman to file the first lawsuit contesting the results.

Today, the Court ruled on how the improperly rejected absentee ballots be counted. While, us laymen might expect that an improperly rejected ballot would be, by definition, counted in order to guarantee suffrage to every eligible Minnesotan, its hardly that simple when a Senate seat is at stake. After all, as Gov. Blagojevich said, “a Senate seat is fuking valuable thing. You don’t just give them away for free.”

There’s no end in sight. Both campaigns have equal reasons for optimism as well as dread. But no matter what, if you’re going to put a volunteer on the phone to raise money, make sure they know more about the current standing of the race, than the author of Barack Out With My Cock Out does. Just yesterday, your’s truly, Ron Domino, received a request for some campaign cash to help them take their case to the courts. As I rudely forced the phone monkey off of his scripted notes and into the unpredictable abyss of a real conversation I came to learn that this man knew nothing more than was printed on the page in front of him. Campaigners of America, please take note: you should never be outsmarted by the guy in the cushy chair in the 30th row; you’re the ones playing this damned game!

Check back in March for the results. Minnesota can keep its fingers crossed that what happened to New Hampshire in 1974 does not befall them. Let’s all hope we’re capable of successfully counting all the way up to 2.5 million and avoid a re-vote.

Congress is working?!

Woa woa woa! Only fools read this page and interpret all claims literally. No, our Congressmen and women aren’t doing much more than lighting fully-secular holiday trees and attending secular holiday parties right now, but there is one man that is making waves despite not even being sworn in yet.

Boulder, Colorado’s Congressman-elect Jared Polis made a splash on the national stage as he became the first openly gay man elected to an open seat, but he’s not leaving that as his legacy. Jared knows there’s no better time than the present to address the problems that burden us. In the Washington Post, Jared opines about how Congress could best serve in the recovery of our economy. Step 1: send legislators with law degrees back to work writing law and have them stop reading business plans from failed American corporations.

In addition to Jared’s well-planned approach to addressing our financial crisis, Jared is raising the standard for openness and accessibility of an elected official. He didn’t hire a crew of webmonkeys to run a fancy online community based on his work. No, instead he’s writing his own words on his own blogs and bringing us along to more briefings and meetings than ever before.

His staffers can’t stop him from responding to every curious constituent and there isn’t a person in the world that will ever convince him that the bloggers, trolls and sock puppets of the political internets are insignificant. Between his regular postings on Coloradopols, myDD, DailyKos, Square State and his accounts on LinkedIn, Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and My.BarackObama, he’s permanently plugged right in and always eager to talk with any interested party – be they a voting constituent, a die-hard member of the opposition, an underage student or a foreigner interested in our governmental workings, he never hesitates to fill you in on the latest news from Washington or CD-2.

Any other public servant – from dog catcher to President – would be wise to take note and follow his lead. If rumors emerge about Jared possibly getting in trouble for sharing too many of our government's secrets (the very same government we established to be transparent and open to the public), consider him doing a better job than any of the other 534 in those chambers.


So we seem to have failed miserably to come up with a fart joke. And as we failed to come up with any cleverness, we regressed into the traditional assault on the fallible politicians. Maybe next year! Please send the coal over, our stockings are ready for it.

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